Make peace with your family and friends. This may mean that you get closer, or it may mean that you part ways so that they can be who they need to be and you can be who you need to be.
Evita Ochel
Relationships are one of the most powerful platforms we have for personal evolution. They can spark an awakening or a shift in consciousness, or they can stagnate our evolution or even cause de-evolution. They can bring out the best and the worst in us. They can be our highest highs and lowest lows. No matter how much education we have, how advanced our technology is, or how abundant our finances are, each of us faces relationship challenges. It is part of our natural growth and development. However, how we handle these opportunities largely dictates our quality of life, inner peace, and personal evolution. Within this spectrum lies one of the most vital pieces —and the topic of this essay: knowing when to hold on and when to let go.
This essay will focus on romantic relationships and intimate partnerships. However, in one sense or another, it applies to all relationships, whether with friends, at work, with family, or others. When the topic of holding on or letting go comes up, most of us can relate to it in nearly any relationship dynamic, except family relationships. Here, too many of us feel that we have no choice. That “letting go” of a relationship with a certain family member is simply not an option. However, as we grow and evolve to understand the greater nature of reality, remember that the bonds we have in our lifetime with a specific group of people are not all there is. We have all been mothers, fathers, sisters, brothers, daughters, and sons to someone, many, many times. Each time we take on different roles. Ones that will prove most beneficial for that particular incarnation or stage of evolution. So if your family relationships are suitable and in alignment with your journey, then by all means enjoy them and the platform they provide for your growth. However, if there is a lack of alignment and the presence of serious incompatibilities, then it may be valuable for you to consider, even in these relationships, when to hold on and when to let go.
Looking at romantic relationship patterns over the past few decades, many changes are evident. Formal courting faded, male and female roles began to blur, and dating trends took new forms. Divorce rates increased. Marriage rates decreased. Same-sex relationships and common-law partnerships became more prevalent and more widely recognized. Many people still cite the popular statistics that half of all marriages end in divorce, but this isn’t accurate. It depends on factors like geography, religion, and social status. Many countries, including the US and Canada, have stopped keeping detailed records of these numbers for years. Additionally, divorce rates don’t take into consideration couples who separate but never actually divorce. So the number can be higher or lower depending on the demographic studied, but in the broadest sense, it appears to be around 40% in North America. Regardless, this statistic no longer provides a full picture of relationship longevity because of many new relationship trends. What we can be sure of, however, is that regardless of relationship type, some end prematurely, while others overstay their welcome. Below, we will examine the value of relationships in the context of personal evolution, consider the two cases mentioned above, and finish with practical, consciousness-expanding tips to help you make the best choice for your relationship situation.
Relationship Roles in Personal Evolution
Before deciding whether leaving or staying in an intimate partnership is right for you, we need a shared understanding of what value relationships bring to our personal evolution. From a practical, mainstream perspective, romantic partnerships can serve many purposes, including companionship, having children, financial benefits, and an improved quality of life. However, we are going to be talking about the value of relationships from the perspective of spiritual growth and personal evolution. So the implications of an intimate partnership go much deeper than simply not being single or getting a tax break.
So why get into an intimate relationship in the first place? Because they can provide one of the best platforms for personal growth. Our relationships mirror the best and worst of us: our strengths and limitations, our greatest joys and deepest fears. As leading thought teacher, Gregg Braden writes in his book The Divine Matrix, relationships offer the clearest examples of our beliefs. They give us the opportunity to see ourselves in every way imaginable. If we have the wisdom to recognize the messages being mirrored to us, we discover the beliefs that cause suffering in our lives.
“Our true beliefs are mirrored in our most intimate relationships.”
Gregg Braden, The Divine Matrix
The key to unlocking progressive stages of our personal evolution is recognizing the messages being mirrored to us. To do this, we need to learn, or simply become mindful, of the language we speak to ourselves through others. Then we can discover the beliefs that limit us and cause us suffering, expand our perspective, and deepen our consciousness about ourselves (and life).
The people we get into relationships with are not cosmic coincidences or chance occurrences. Each one is a vibrational match to our state of being at that time. We don’t need to believe in pre-incarnation planning or any kind of soul contracts. This is simply how universal laws work: like energy attracts like energy. You may think your partner is the complete opposite of you and that this doesn’t apply to you, but deeper analysis shows we always find perfectly matched frequencies. An excellent example of this is the victim archetype who always seems to attract the abuser archetype. Inside, both parties are hurting and aching to feel complete and loved, simply expressing this through the two ends of the same stick. So the point here is: don’t focus on the details or the surface; look at the deeper roots and themes in your life. It is similar to how we translate dreams, for example, where it is not about a literal approach, but about learning your personal language—the quantum language that you are using to communicate with you. Symbolism also helps us understand this point and apply it to our relationships. Are you observing in your partner a theme of addiction? infidelity? inferiority? superiority? compulsion? narrow-mindedness? etc. Examine that theme within yourself. How are you, your beliefs, thoughts, words, and actions playing out those themes, and trying to get your attention in order to be healed? Broaden your view, expand your consciousness, and look at the bigger picture.
Making these connections and actively working to solve or heal them heavily dictates the quality of our relationships with others and with ourselves. It is by no means an easy choice most of the time, but the longevity of a relationship—how long you stay and when you leave—should always be consciously considered and deeply reflected on. I explain the reasoning in more detail below.
The Premature Ejection
Quick, or premature, exits from relationships have become very popular in modern society. It is all good when times are great, full of joy and laughter. It is not hard to know what to do then. The challenge arises when things get difficult, or when the good times no longer feel so good. This is when many individuals exercise the bolt reflex. We have all heard of the “honeymoon” period in relationships. This normally occurs at the start of relationships, when it seems the other person can do no wrong. And even if there is something we don’t seem to be in alignment with, we are riding high on a very illusory hope that somehow, someway they will change, or it won’t be such a big deal. After weeks, months, and sometimes years, however, IT does become a big deal, and expecting someone to change is usually an unreasonable request or expectation. You came here to be, do, express, experience, and evolve yourself, and the other person did the same on their own terms.
Secondly, the longer we stay in a relationship, the more of the “real” us and them also comes out. During that honeymoon phase, most people try to put their best foot forward. Yet not being real, or not being ourselves, only goes so far. It is simply not sustainable, and sooner or later we begin to see our partner, ourselves, and the relationship differently. This most commonly leads to what we discussed in the paragraph above, when tensions become more and more common. As we relax into the relationship, we begin to operate more and more from our deep-seated beliefs, our subconscious conditioning, and habitual patterns. This is where triggers become obvious, and we often assume the “other” person is to blame. IF only they wouldn’t say, be or do that thing, THEN our life and the relationship would be better. So we start considering an exit strategy, not realizing there is almost always a bigger internal component here that needs our attention and work.
No matter how or why you chose your partner, or how long you’ve been together, every relationship offers valuable opportunities for personal healing and growth. We often overlook that every relationship is more about us than the other; about who we are, what we say, and what we do. Whether you dated for months or have been married for years, you may begin thinking that parting ways would be the best option when things seem to go out of alignment for you. You may find yourself being triggered by your partner more often. You may find a side of you surfacing more often that you just don’t enjoy. The fun and attraction may be fizzling by the minute; however, don’t be quick to throw in the towel just yet.
The consequences of leaving a relationship too early, or, as we are going to put it, before its graduation date, are twofold.
1. You continue repeating the same patterns over and over again—same relationship themes with similar types of people.
A quick way to know that this case applies to you is if you have ever wondered why you seem to keep attracting the same type of person. For example, the gambler, the manipulator, the abuser, the workaholic, etc. For some of us, partners may be different, but the relationships still seem to circle around the same themes. For example, infidelity, deception, compulsions, addictions, scarcity, etc.
It is valuable to examine those themes or personality types as they hold vital information for us. Our beliefs, limiting thoughts, and vibration somehow align with them. Consider the following questions for yourself. What in our life needs our attention? What needs our healing, forgiveness, understanding? What childhood traumas does our adult self need to resolve?
2. You don’t get to do the personal work that you have chosen for your personal evolution.
For many people, the reply to this will either be that they do not know what they have chosen, or that they don’t recall making such a choice in the first place. Again here, we have to think big picture. Why did you come into this incarnation? What are the lessons or experiences your soul wishes to have? What desires to be realized or evolved? These are extremely vital questions to reflect and meditate on. Naturally, this isn’t the kind of stuff discussed on talk-show relationship segments. Remember, we are going much deeper, below the surface here, beyond our simple physical perceptions.
Some who find themselves in this situation may think, so what, so I don’t do the work I was supposed to, I just want to get out of this relationship. The problem with this way of thinking is that it usually just prolongs the inevitable. This is where most people end up in one of the scenarios we talked about in number one above. **You came here for a reason, and you cannot avoid yourself. **Ultimately, if you don’t get it done in this relationship, or even in this lifetime… no problem, there are many more where that came from. But we have to remember that this is not some kind of chore, punishment, or fear tactic; it is simply us trying to evolve, learn, or heal something about the bigger part of us.
So yes, we can deny it or avoid it as long as we want, but this is usually how and why our life seems to be one challenge and bout of suffering after another. It goes back to what I shared above: it is really not about the other person, but about US. Why are we attracting, creating, manifesting, or experiencing these types of energies, and how are we going to handle them?
Now, of course, sometimes ending a relationship isn’t up to us. The other party can decide to do so, just as much as we can. In those cases, it is not all lost. We can still examine the relationship’s patterns and triggers and work toward resolution and healing within ourselves. What gift or purpose did this relationship hold? How have I grown because of it? Many people in these cases get caught up in a kind of “needing closure” scenario, but the only closure you ever need is with yourself. It goes along the same lines as forgiveness. We cannot demand, and do not need, the other’s forgiveness to find inner peace and closure. That is their journey and choice. We simply need to find our own forgiveness, self-love, and compassion. In all of these cases, honest, open, and mindful communication goes a long way, with yourself and the other party.
The Overstayed Welcome
On the opposite end of the spectrum are relationships that have, in a sense, overstayed their welcome. We may use the analogy here that rather than being in a state of growth, they are in a state of stagnation or decay. This most commonly happens in one of three cases.
1. The relationship has reached a point of stagnation.
Here both partners have settled into a state of unproductive comfort. No real growth is happening, and the energy feels flat. The relationship is missing its lifeline, its heartbeat, so to speak. One or both parties may have worked on themselves, working past triggers, or having learned to become complacent about them. There is coexistence and codependence here that is often quite peaceful, but lacks vigor and expansion.
2. The relationship has reached a point of impasse.
Here the parties may have worked on themselves, or have not, but either way came to a major point of misalignment. This most often happens when the natural course of evolution that changes us, whether we try or not, has created misalignment in a major area of the relationship. For example, two opposing work opportunities, philosophical or religious beliefs, or having children, etc. This may have been there from the start but was overlooked during the honeymoon period described above, or it may surface as either party changes over time.
3. The relationship has reached a point of destruction.
Here, one or both partners have not worked on themselves and begin to exhibit destructive qualities towards themselves, the other, or the relationship. These cases most often involve some kind of abuse, whether it be verbal, psychological, or physical.
The problem in all of the above-described cases is that no effective action is being taken. People may complain and talk in circles about the same problems, challenges, or issues, but they take no real action toward solutions. They are neither moving on from the relationship if its purpose has been fulfilled, nor are they working on themselves to change the status quo of the relationship. Change here leads to either improved conditions within the relationship, or a release of the relationship to engage in more effective and growth-promoting experiences and partnerships.
The consequences of staying in a relationship past its prime (after the graduation date) mirror the consequences described in the premature ejection section above. It may prolong the inevitable and almost always decrease quality of life due to the suffering inflicted, whether real or perceived.
In the stagnation example, some couples see nothing wrong with this and may carry on like this for the remainder of their present incarnation. Security, complacency, and comfort seem to be a guiding factor in many relationships that go past the 10, 20, or more-year mark. While it is each person’s choice as to how they wish to experience any of their physical incarnations, we cannot forget that life should be full of LIFE. We are natural-born creators, here to experience and express the multitude of options. We are not here to just find a way to survive, but to thrive. Joy, vitality, bliss, and fulfillment are a natural part of life that everyone is worthy of and can have access to. But we have to take an active role in choosing these. So while there may not be any externally perceived suffering going on here, if there is no growth, that is like a state of suffering to our inner being. Our natural state is a state of growth and expansion.
In the impasse example, each party has chosen what they want to experience or how they want to express themselves, but the two are not aligned. These partnerships can end peacefully so each party can move on and fulfill its desires, but it takes two emotionally mature people to do so. In most cases in our society, one or both parties expect the other to change their mind and often move into anger, guilt, frustration, and disappointment when the other party isn’t willing to do so. Out of our personal neediness and fear, we begin to infuse destructive energies into the relationship that can take us over the edge into example three. Remember, each is here to experience and express based on the needs of their personal evolution, and it is simply not fair to hold anyone back. Allowing the other to most fully express themselves (assuming it is not in distinctly destructive ways) is one of the most loving things we can do.
Finally, in the destruction example, neither the relationship nor the parties are growing or expanding effectively. Rather, there is an energy of destruction rooted in anger, unworthiness, hopelessness, guilt, and fear. A toxic atmosphere may have become the norm, and the relationship may have lost most, if not all, of its foundation of respect, care, joy, and love. While some of these relationships may turn around with positive results if both parties actively engage in personal work and healing, in many cases a temporary or permanent parting may be more valuable.
Time may have an illusory component from the perspective of quantum science, but from a practical perspective, staying in relationships that don’t support our health, growth, and development may very much mean wasting our time. There won’t be one right answer for everyone, so be mindful of how you spend your days and the quality of the company and experiences you have. Remember, each of us deserves love, joy, harmony, inner peace, and fulfillment, but no one can give these to us. We need to give them to ourselves first and foremost, and then sharing them with others becomes effortless.
When to Go, When to Stay: Practical Tips
Although I tried to simplify the challenges and solutions here for our dialogue, relationships are anything but simple. There is no one* size-fits-all* answer or advice. Does it have to be this way, though? Despite the dynamic complexity of relationships, I do believe it can be much simpler than we make it out to be. The game changer here is shifting from operating from the mind to operating from the heart. Yes, this will involve courage, trust, and vulnerability. Yes, this requires practicing healthy, unconditional love, not conditional, needy, fear-based love. And yes, it will involve active effort on our part to look within ourselves. Again, I cannot stress enough the importance of focusing on the self here and seeking solutions from the inside out, rather than focusing on our partners’ faults, limitations, or shortcomings. When we heal ourselves, we automatically change our vibration. This, in turn, will either make us a harmonious match for our current partner or not. If not, the right or necessary steps will be self-evident.
Whether we leave too early or stay too long in a relationship, both states share the same foundational factor: suffering. Instead of living in joy, harmony, and inner peace, we subject ourselves to turmoil, dissatisfaction, and frustration. Ultimately, no one can tell you when it is the right time to leave a relationship, but the Universe and Your Inner Being will give you many clues and signs daily if you pay attention.
Another thing to mention is that leaving a relationship doesn’t have to be permanent. Often, only a time-out is needed for one or both parties to work on themselves and then see if alignment has been struck. Secondly, not all relationships will have a graduation date within one lifetime. While some of us will go through many partners in any given incarnation, others may have chosen one specific partnership as the main growth instigator for a particular lifetime, or lifetimes. Honor and enjoy your personal journey without comparing it to others or how it could or should be. Below, I will share a few practical tips to help you make the best choice for you.
- If you are experiencing dangerously abusive or life-threatening situations in your relationship, then it is highly probable that you should remove yourself from the person, relationship, or environment. Consider the severity of the situation, the emotional maturity and mental stability of both parties, and other factors to decide whether this choice will be temporary or permanent. External professional help is usually essential in these cases to mediate and provide healing or therapy.
- If you are operating from a state of self-sacrifice in your relationship, then it is highly probable that you should consider letting go. Self-sacrifice is a low-vibration energy. To the “doer/giver”, it appears that it is rooted in or done out of love, but real love is not self-destructive. Real love is nurturing, joyous, and uplifting. Of course, apply this tip with wise discernment to a relationship with a partner. If you have responsibilities to care for children or an elderly spouse or parent, it is of most value to change how you see this experience, not abandon people who depend on you. This means accepting the current situation to fulfill important or legal responsibilities by changing how you view the situation. Can you infuse it with unconditional love and be grateful that you get to be in the presence of this/these individuals, or perhaps that you get to be of service in a meaningful way? This is vital not just for your personal health, inner peace, and joy, but also for everyone who shares this experience with you. If you are going to do it, own it, and do it with the utmost care, pride, and love. This is how we can transform ourselves and any experience at any time, benefiting from it with valuable growth and expansion. Of course, if your mental or physical health doesn’t allow you to stay and act in a healthy or responsible way while continuing to care for the individual(s), get the help and support you need to transition everyone to a healthier situation in a supportive way.
- If you are experiencing yourself being triggered by your partner on a regular basis, where the relationship appears to still have both its typical highs and lows, then it is highly probable that you should consider staying. Emotional triggers are most often signs of the inner work we need to do ourselves. The other may seem like the bad person here, but a powerful transformation and healing process begins when we look at why we create these situations for ourselves in the first place. How is the other person actually serving your soul’s agenda? You see, in our competitive, often portrayed* dog-eat-dog* world, it’s easy to embrace separation and forget that we are all on the same team. Those closest to us simply help facilitate the learning and growth we seek. Imagine if you began to look at and approach the tense or challenging situations in your relationship from this perspective. Recall what we talked about above when it comes to the mirroring effect to see what areas within you are in need of your attention to be healed and resolved. Quantum science teaches us that the situation never resolves itself until we look inside the box. So it is essential not to live on assumptions about self or other, but to have the courage to look within to understand how we give or deny ourselves the experiences we have in our lives.
- If you are feeling out of alignment with your partner about the small and/or big stuff, but operate from a personal state of ease, and are no longer being emotionally triggered by them most of the time, if not always, then it is highly probable that you should consider letting go. These signs usually indicate that this relationship has served its purpose on your/your partner’s journey and path of evolution. It also usually indicates that it is no longer the optimal platform for further growth and expansion. You have learned/healed/transformed what needed to be at this time. You are now your next highest version of yourself and will require, or benefit from, a similar, appropriate frequency to align with.
Ultimately, remember that nearly every challenging relationship can be greatly improved, healed, or ended civilly, given the right communication. So first, make time for effective dialogues. This means not being in charged environments or trying to do other things (e.g., driving or caring for children). Pick a time and location where both of you are most likely to be at your best and most open to the dialogue. Second, commit to speaking openly, honestly, and from the heart, allowing for vulnerability to surface. Use opening terms like “I have come to realize that…” and “I feel that I…”. Avoid speaking for them, or claiming to know how they feel, or what is best for them, or pointing fingers. Allow them the same opportunity to express themselves fully. Avoid using manipulative language, guilt, past hurts, or trauma as strategies to get what you want. When in doubt or in a moment of friction, it helps to take a few deep, conscious breaths, or excuse yourself for a moment to re-center, remind yourself that you are both on the same soul team, and simply ask, “What would love do?”
I know that in our society, as shared above, it can be all too easy to make an enemy of your partner and act like you are fighting on opposite sides, where one party wins and the other loses. Be mindful of this, and don’t let your ego run amok and sabotage your solutions and resolutions. Money and material stuff will come and go, but living with a sense of joy, harmony, and inner peace is priceless, and no one can take these away from you, except you.
Finally, you may find yourself in a situation where you know you should go, but fear of change and being alone may override your inner knowing and keep you from taking the right action for you. Here, it helps to remember that just because we are in a relationship doesn’t mean we will not feel alone. Many partners don’t connect in any meaningful way, and dissatisfaction and isolation are much higher than if we were on our own. This is where, again, the more we commit to personal work around self-love, self-image, and self-worth, the more whole and complete we become. From this place, we can attract the highest-quality relationships, share our best selves with others, and multiply each other’s love, joy, and pleasure, rather than seeking to be filled or completed in some way. Frequencies like need, scarcity, and loneliness are rooted in fear and will never provide deep, long-lasting satisfaction, whether we are alone or in a relationship.
Conclusion
Every relationship, and its timing, is rooted in divine perfection. So ultimately, whether you stay or go, there is divine purpose in that too. You really cannot get it wrong. What varies, and what’s most within your control, is simply how much joy or suffering you choose to experience, based on your perceptions and beliefs about yourself, the other, relationships, and life in general at any given time. Be mindful—ultra conscious—of the paradigms you are operating from. There, you will find the most wisdom and guidance on what needs to be done, and when.
Many years ago, I had the pleasure of reading a poem whose words have played an integral role in my life ever since. I will leave those words below, in hopes they may offer some inspirational insight for you and your relationships as well.
Reason, Season or a Lifetime
People come into your life for a reason, a season, or a lifetime. When you figure out which it is, you know exactly what to do.
When someone is in your life for a REASON, it is usually to meet a need you have expressed outwardly or inwardly. They have come to assist you through a difficulty, to provide you with guidance and support, to aid you physically, emotionally, or spiritually. They may seem like a godsend, and they are. They are there for the reason you need them to be. Then, without any wrongdoing on your part or at an inconvenient time, this person will say or do something to bring the relationship to an end. Sometimes they die. Sometimes they walk away. Sometimes they act up or out and force you to take a stand. What we must realize is that our need has been met, our desire fulfilled; their work is done. The prayer you sent up has been answered, and it is now time to move on.
When people come into your life for a SEASON, it is because your turn has come to share, grow, or learn. They may bring you an experience of peace or make you laugh. They may teach you something you have never done. They usually give you an unbelievable amount of joy. Believe it! It is real! But only for a season.
LIFETIME relationships teach you lifetime lessons; those things you must build upon in order to have a solid emotional foundation. Your job is to accept the lesson, love the person/people (anyway); and put what you have learned to use in all other relationships and areas of your life. It is said that love is blind, but friendship is clairvoyant.
Author Unknown
Summary — Reflection for Meditation
Relationships with family and friends, including romantic partners, can be the source of our greatest joy and satisfaction or our greatest stress and suffering. In some cases, we find ourselves aligned and connected with others in a way that nourishes everyone involved physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually. In other cases, we will find ourselves out of alignment, drained, and depleted by our connections with others. These times require our greatest attention and offer opportunities for our greatest spiritual growth. For too long, too many people have been conditioned to “put up” with destructive relationships because they carry the label of “family” or “friends”. Yet this superficial importance of status has destroyed the well-being of too many people and stunted their spiritual growth. The people who play the roles of our family and friends in this lifetime will play other roles in other lifetimes. Every connection stems from a karmic interplay between lifetimes and the dual nature of reality, which is always working to balance the energy of contrasting forces. This is why where there is a villain, there is a victim, and vice versa.
Through consciousness expansion, we can see beyond this material realm and linear view of reality to grasp the oneness and connectivity of all that is. Through surrender and equanimity, we can transcend duality and attain a wholeness of being that releases us from karmic cycles. Through wisdom and discernment, we can understand that every person in our lives has a reason and a season. When we are in states of love and alignment, we let people and our connections flow naturally; when we are in states of fear and resistance, we try to control people and our connections. The former approach brings peace and well-being; the latter brings pain and suffering for everyone involved.
When we act from a place of love and peace, we can move through and heal emotional triggers; release grievances and resentments; and forgive and let go. In such a space, we attain clarity to know whether it is for the highest good of the self and the other to maintain a physical connection or not. One of the most loving and compassionate things we can do is let the other person be who they need to be, and how they choose to be, without exerting control or expectations. However, we must also extend this love and compassion to ourselves, giving ourselves permission to be who we need to be so we can express and experience the highest, most authentic version of who we know ourselves to be at any given point in our life.
This is why making peace with others sometimes brings us closer, and at other times it means we part ways with them. Remember, peace starts with you, and your actions will determine your state of being and the quality of your relationships.
